Gender Relations And The Lopsidedness Of Conventional Romance
Intro
Before I start, let me just say this is a light-hearted piece that I came up with in the heat of academic toil at one institution like that. I wouldn’t want anyone taking it too seriously. Not that they aren’t really my thoughts; they are. They just happen to be the kind I like to just play with around other people even though I truly believe them.
I think one of the things that have bothered me for a while now about the state of the world is the strict amplification of differences between the male and female gender. I just kinda feel like these so-called differences (many of which are made up ) should take a backseat to our common shared humanity. Treating people of the opposite gender as human beings just like we are. I genuinely believe that could change the world, but what do I know?
Anyway, what I’d really like to talk about in a very not-serious, not-that-deep way, is gender expectations in romantic relationships. And I’ll be making some points on gender relations in general along the way.
Anyone who has been around me for a while knows how much I decry skewed expectations in relationships. I believe very much in reciprocity, matching energies, and in relationships featuring two people who love each other and would do anything for each other.
In the larger context of society, it seems to me that expectations of “romance” are designed to gratify the desires of women while placing a duty on men. And it’s still very commonplace even amongst people who you’d think are “progressive” or egalitarian. Everything from toasting to intentionality to thoughtfulness to gifts seems like something men give and women receive or at best reciprocate but never kickstart.
For instance, most women at least in my neck of the woods genuinely believe it’s beneath them to ask a man out or go after a man first. Almost in the same way, a traditional Nigerian man believes cooking/kitchen duties are beneath him. It’s considered a demeaning exercise that is reserved for men. And I’m not going to act like I don’t know it has been the norm in human society for centuries. What really shocks me though is, that even amongst modern people with egalitarian outlooks who decidedly want to burn the patriarchy, this seems to be a part they would like to retain.
Every week on Twitter, you are sure to see a tweet discouraging other women from “shooting their shots” to avoid disgrace. That’s because, in addition to believing toasting is beneath them, they almost feel entitled to an affirmative answer the one time they manage to go out of their way to woo a man. When that doesn’t go well, all of a sudden, you start seeing all sorts of thinkpieces even from persons who you think have outgrown seeing human capabilities and endeavors through a strictly gendered lens.
Same applies to marriage proposals. Now I’ve gotta confess, I have always found them a bit weird. Why are two adult human beings with full agency in a relationship and the onus is STRICTLY on one person to “pop the question" because of the shape of their genitals? And why is there a kneeling involved? “It’s just tradition”. Yeah yeah I get it. Doesn’t make it any less weird to me.
What’s even weirder is the modern iteration, especially in my country. You’ve got people who already agreed to get married and have been making wedding plans still feeling the need to “stage” proposal events where the question gets popped again. That doesn’t feel weird to y’all? I once told someone I could very well burst out laughing if I had to do some fake shit like that. But that wouldn’t look nice for the gram now, would it?
Anyway, point is, proposal seems like just another romantic thing that men have a duty to plan and women just savour. Another reason it feels ridiculous to me is how it places the destiny of the relationship solely in the hands of the man. Nothing happens until he feels ready. I sometimes think about how many weddings would have happened sooner if more women popped the question or should I say, the conversation, the moment they felt ready.
I think that very phenomenon exposes a fundamental problem with how relationships and marriages are viewed. The man has all the keys. He is the one that actually does the “marrying” so everything in respect of that has to emerge from him.
I remember talking about this with a friend who insisted that men are wired to do this. In response, I pointed out that it’s simply a societal norm that has been passed on for centuries so it looks like some innate trait when it really isn’t. It was learned. It was inculcated. It was intentionally passed down.
Every now and then, we get rare social media pictures of a woman proposing to a man and the comment section would be awash with vitriol and indignation with women (traditional and progressive alike) asking the woman to get up and so-called traditional men questioning the man’s masculinity. It’s always such an eyesore but it is so mainstream. “I’d rather mop the ocean than do this” as if to say “Eww, that’s beneath me”. Some go as far as saying they’d rather die unmarried than do that. And they are dead serious.
I imagine a voice in such minds going “This thing is so demeaning and society has helped us by making it the exclusive preserve of the other gender so why are you choosing to put yourself through it?”. “The status quo is unfairly patriarchal and needs to be demolished except for one teeny-tiny part of it that seems to be in our favour”
And let’s face it, there’s a reason why even “progressive” women conveniently prop up those parts of the status quo. As a guy who had a phase during my teenage years where like most girls, I never once told anyone I liked them first because I felt like it was embarrassing. The best I did was “give greenlights” nudging them on till they finally said it. That happened with just a couple of people. And let me tell you, it felt good. It feels good to be chased. To be asked. To be pursued. Makes you feel like you have the emotional edge even when you like the other person just as much. It’s a great, ecstatic feeling and naturally, you don’t want to give that up especially not when society is in support and has been for eons.
Now I’m way past that phase but if there’s anything I learnt from it, it’s that the desire to be chased and asked first is not exclusive to the female gender and has very little to do with biological wiring. It’s all a result of deeply instilled societal norms.
As an aside, if you do pursue a person regardless of your gender, the onus is largely on you to do all the big stuff and go all out. I mean, it’s you trying to get the person. You can’t realistically be expecting reciprocity at that point until you’ve gotten to a stage where the feelings have turned mutual or are close to turning mutual.
I once heard a traditional man say the proposal event is the only time you really bow to your woman after which you get a lifetime of her subjection to you. As someone who detests the very idea of a hierarchical romantic relationship, I immediately rejected the idea. But it really made me see what traditional men think is in it for them. For them, it’s like giving up a little power to have infinitely great power once the marriage is sealed, just like the patriarchy intended. Welp.
Beyond proposals, the idea of a largely one-sided romance that is strangely focused on catering to the woman and her desires is rather selfish. Every time the subject of intentionality comes up, it’s about a man going above and beyond. “If he wants to, he will"; “Get you a man that worships the ground you walk on”. Meanwhile, the women want to just be on the receiving end. “Princess treatment”. Just being catered to with moderate to zero expectations as far as “thoughtful/intentional romance” goes while sticking to the argument that they are naturally soft and wired to receive and men are wired with a duty to perform.
If you pick a random couple having problems with “romance”, it’s most likely going to be about the man not “performing the romance” enough. “How could he not ask his partner of 3 years to be his Valentine or Eastern Bunny?” And when you question it, the answers you get revolve around keeping the romance alive, which is cool. Except, the lady never has to do stuff like that. It’s two people with feelings in the relationship, you know?
“Oh, but women also buy gifts". Thank goodness for that welcome (recent) development but this topic goes way beyond that and we all know it.
Again, it is very understandable for traditional women who want this and believe it’s a trade-off for adverse gender expectations like cooking/cleaning and submission and obeisance in general. What’s interesting and a bit confusing is the ones who rightly reject these primitive norms and the idea of gender roles in general fighting tooth and nail to keep that part of the system alive.
I just feel like everyone needs to do away with all that. Like you don’t get to exclusively be at the receiving end of “romance” in your relationship because of your gender. However convenient that might be, some parity is always better in the short and long term. Be as active in giving as you are in receiving. You shouldn’t count yourself out or preclude yourself from demanding/receiving/ experiencing the sweetness and reciprocity you know you want because society told you it’s not masculine.
Don’t accept/legitimize irascibility and irrational behaviour and claim you’re being a man and allowing peace to reign. What’s that pop saying again? “We all know what we are doing.”
Worship and be worshipped. Cater to and be catered to. Love and be loved. Pursue and be pursued. It’s easier to stand by this and keep the other person on their feet when you somehow find a way to get it through your head that it’s two human beings and one is not more superior or inferior than the other. And this is where I believe my fellow men have a problem.
Many would take submission over a chance at a soft life where they are also taken out on dates and just “romanced” equally. They’d give all of that softness and sweetness up for an extra piece of meat and a “Head of House” title like this is BB Naija. I truly cannot wrap my head around why anyone would believe they are inherently superior to their partners for no other reason than their gender and physiological makeup. No, it has very little to do with wiring and more to do with societal norms. And the thing about us humans is, we fight tenaciously to keep those norms as long as they keep us atop the food chain or some parts of them benefit us in some way.
We also have the fraudulent males who wouldn’t mind this reciprocatory romance arrangement alongside the traditional idea of submission. They always have so much to say about women being “liabilities” and yada yada. They expect their women to work, contribute to the bills, and at the same time, take on the traditional burden of home labour and child care. At least the earlier-mentioned category embraces everything that tradition places on them, convenient or not. These ones just want to be clever by half, choosing progressiveness when it suits them. In response to such men, I will echo the thoughts of the great Metroboomin in the heat of the recent Hip-hop civil war: “Pick a side and stay there”.
“Gbolahan, how can you be a Christian and be this antagonistic to submission? “ It’s not so much antagonism to the concept as it is antagonism to the human iteration which is largely rooted in subjugation, whether plain or veiled. I have seen what it does to women and even men, some of them close to home and I will never again get behind it.
And don’t get it twisted, I understand the limitations. I realize how deeply ingrained some of these things are. How hard society fights to keep the status quo. But beyond all that, I believe we can all defeat whatever unreasonable ideals have become a part of us. It all starts with recognizing the problems they cause us and others and making a conscious effort to free ourselves from them.
Let me humorously state for the record that I don’t have any inordinate desire to be proposed to, as a friend one accused me of during an argument. Matter of fact, I understand that most ladies have been conditioned to want proposals and the deluge of proposal events on social media further amplifies that desire. So while I make my case for parity, I intend to remain empathetically realistic. Guess what I’m saying is, don’t you dare call me a hypocrite if you see me getting down on one knee in the coming years. Just that, once I do it first, whoever my partner is will be getting down for the vow renewal ten years later. It’s only fair, innit?
On a slightly more serious note, I must add that my use of reciprocity in this piece does not suggest a blind and ludicrous insistence on 50/50 with no regard for context. For instance, you can’t be earning astronomically higher than your partner and expect to get the same calibre of gifts you get for them in the name of reciprocity. You can’t be an entry-level KPMG employee expecting your undergraduate girlfriend to match your monetary gifts. You can’t be complaining that you are not getting any “care” back in return when your partner is literally carrying a whole human being inside her that you probably insisted on having. Reciprocity has to be equitable and we are adult/intelligent enough to apply nuances.
Also, I don’t mean to suggest that there aren’t differences between men and women. There clearly are. But I strongly believe they are often exaggerated by either party to perpetuate their underhanded selfishness and sometimes cruelty.
I realize my ramblings won’t change much. After all, they are mere light-hearted ramblings. “Observation no be crime". Most people on either sides of the spectrum will keep doing and believing what they think is best for them. Some men will keep seeing male superiority and female submission as a birthright and some women will keep “submitting” while getting the princess treatment in return and hoping the man never tires out at some point in the marriage. That’s fine. I just have one plea- be sure to only get with someone you are absolutely on the same page with about stuff like this or at least, someone who is amenable.
And if you are choosing a traditionally hierarchical relationship that places you below the other person, ensure you choose a kind partner that will lead with empathy and kindness while eschewing the dark/ruthless sides of the power bestowed on him.
Of course, my #1 recommendation for everyone remains a partnership with someone who beyond your gender, sees you as a human being and you, in turn, see them the same way. One where the romance and romantic expectations are not skewed i.e. everyone is on their feet, being thoughtful and going above and beyond. One where the gender roles are not static and everyone simply takes the lead in areas where they are better. A true partnership. That almost feels utopian but for a nigga like me, it’s the only choice.
Afterword:
I realize this will probably be considered my most controversial opinion piece yet. It’s almost like I have smoke for everyone and everything and have descended into a realm of fantasy and impracticality. Well, I said what I said.
Now, I wouldn’t like for anyone to take this as some self-righteous piece. The major intent was to highlight some of the things we don’t seem to give any thought to; in this case, the way romance works in romantic relationships. At the end of the day, I’m still young. I don’t have a ton of experience. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe there are things I didn’t fully consider. But one thing I will always carry with me is that egalitarian idea of seeing human beings beyond their gender, race, class, and other stratifications and I’ll keep letting that impact the way I see the world in general; from the seemingly little things to the more serious things.
Now, let me get back to learning drafts, exceptions and provisos. 😭
