WHAT'S BETTER THAN having sex? Having it again and again. One obstacle to this for many men, however, is the refractory period — the time right after orgasm when you can’t get an erection no matter how hard you try (no pun intended). Fortunately, though, the end of your erection doesn’t have to spell the end of sex — and in fact, you may be able to shorten the time it takes to get another one.
What is a refractory period?
“If you click start on a stopwatch the moment you ejaculate, then click stop the moment you can get fully hard again, that's your refractory period,” says Stephen Snyder MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “Obviously lots of things can influence this, including your level of desire.”
The length of their refractory period can vary hugely from person to person, but in general, it lasts somewhere between a few minutes and a few hours, with younger men usually being on the shorter end of the spectrum, explains Snyder. “Some lucky souls have hardly any refractory period at all,” he adds. “No one knows how they got that way.”
How to shorten your refractory period
The keys to getting aroused more quickly after orgasm are, perhaps unsurprisingly, the same keys to getting aroused in general. These include "wellness, mindfulness, self-knowledge, and understanding your own turn-on,” according to Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen. Someone can increase their arousal “through fantasy, adding more erogenous zone play, or focusing on enjoying their partner's pleasure,” she adds.
During masturbation, you can play with different strokes, sensations, positions, and toys, taking note of what increases your arousal and reduces your refractory period. Some people can also gain greater control over their erections by doing kegel exercises, says Queen.
People who are very bothered by their refractory period might talk to their doctor about pharmaceutical solutions. Drugs for erectile dysfunction, like Viagra and Cialis, can sometimes shorten your refractory period, says Snyder. You would take them before the first round, rather than between rounds. If someone has a very long refractory period — for instance, days rather than minutes or hours — Snyder recommends consulting a medical professional.
The refractory period is affected by lifestyle
Lastly, your erectile functioning can also be affected by your overall health and wellbeing. “Some studies suggest that improving one's cardiovascular health may decrease the refractory period,” says Dr. Bailey Hanek, AASECT-certified sex therapist and consultant for the Between Us Clinic. Cardiovascular and core exercise are most effective for this purpose, says Queen. Getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and avoiding alcohol — especially before sex — are also helpful.
Quitting smoking may also make a difference: “Nicotine is not great for your circulatory system, which erection relies on,” Queen says. “If you're taking any meds, make sure your prescribing doctor lets you know if any of them (alone or interacting with each other) might have sexual side effects. Any physical ailments that affect the cardiovascular system or the nerves will potentially present problems, so see a doctor if you're not feeling well.”
Still, it’s not guaranteed that taking these steps will change your refractory period. “It's possible that improving overall health may help some men with aspects of erectile function such as refractory period,” says Snyder. “If that motivates you to eat better, exercise more, and get treatment for high cholesterol and high blood pressure, then sure — go for it. But we men can easily get obsessed with things we can measure. Best not to get too obsessed with your refractory period.”
What if you can’t shorten your refractory period?
If you can’t shorten your refractory period, don’t sweat it. You can continue pleasing your partner, kiss, cuddle, or just take a break and have a snack.
“The big thing is to avoid testing your penis to see if it's ready yet,” says Snyder. “Your penis hates being monitored like that. It will tell you loud and clear when it's ready for more sex.” Thinking about your refractory period means you’re not “thinking erotic thoughts,” which are necessary if you want to get aroused again at some point, says Queen. “Any focus that makes you stray from arousal is going to defeat the purpose.”
Another option is to gain greater control over your orgasms so that you won’t run up against your refractory period in the first place. For learning how to refrain from ejaculating, Hanek recommends the “stop-start technique” during masturbation: stop when you’re getting close to orgasm, and resume once your arousal levels have dropped. You can also pause sexual activity in the moment when you’re approaching orgasm and pick up when you’re no longer close.
“Spending time doing sexual activities that do not bring about orgasm—or delaying orgasm—will allow for a longer sexual experience,” says Hanek. “Practicing the stop-start method helps men develop a greater awareness of the feelings and sensations that lead up to orgasm. This helps them to better control their sexual response and to improve their stamina overall.”
It’s also possible to experience a lot of pleasure without an erection — and in fact, too much focus on erections can backfire. “Getting an erection and having penetrative sex is associated with control and self-esteem by some men—it's built into some people's notion of the masculine role,” Queen explains. “Also, some guys (and sometimes their partners) understand penetrative sex to be the definition of sex—when of course it is not.”
Instead, expand your definition of sex to include more than erections and penetration. “Everything that makes sex great apart from penis-insertive sex can be enjoyed and luxuriated in when one is waiting out their refractory period,” says Queen. “And this might help shorten that time for some, too, in that staying in the moment and being turned on by your partner and what you're doing can keep your arousal up. Stay playful, be turned on by your partner's pleasure, and try new things.” Sex toys can be great for pleasing both people whether or not you’re hard.
Oh, and if your partner is able to keep going more easily than you? No need to be jealous—that just gives you more opportunities to have fun with or without an erection.
