I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m a 35-year-old gay man. I’m friends with a lot of my partner's work colleagues. One of them is a 21-year-old guy. He’s recently split with his girlfriend and has been openly engaging in affection with gay guys since, including kissing, rolling around in bed together without shirts on, etc. A lot of us in the group are asking him what the deal is: is he bi, gay, experimenting? He just avoids answering, shrugs his shoulders, and says he doesn’t know.
Some of us older people in the friendship group are very confused by this, but are we just a product of being millennials in wanting him to label himself? Ultimately, we just want to support him through whatever self-discovery he’s going through, but it’s a bit hard when he really seems to avoid talking about it, despite him very openly engaging in this curious activity. Are we putting too much pressure on him?
—Wanting to Be Supportive
Dear Wanting to Be Supportive,
Yes, you are absolutely putting too much pressure on him! For the love of God, the guy is 21. He’s young, experimenting, and figuring out who he’s attracted to. Let him explore in peace without attempting to label him. He’s not cheating on a partner or shooting up and having unprotected sex in alleyways. If he was, that might be different. But right now, he is safely experimenting without hurting anyone. Let the man do his thing!
I’m infuriated by people who are so invested in labeling others’ sexuality—and am well aware this frustration comes from personal experience. When I was struggling to embrace being bisexual (but was exploring sexually with men), there were several older, allegedly “wiser,” gay men who loved to tell me I was “confused” and “just gay.” These comments weren’t helpful or supportive. They actually derailed my coming out process, and made it harder for me to embrace the fact that I was—am—bisexual.
These men suffered from a myopic and self-centered perspective: They assumed that their experience would be the same as my experience. I’m sorry, but people have different experiences. Sexuality is vast and diverse.
Before sharing how to best support your friend without labeling him, I need to know: Is he asking you for support? Because if he is happily experimenting and enjoying the journey—and you’re more obsessed with figuring out his sexuality than he is—then I need you to stop butting into his life and instead watch Euphoria.
If he is coming to you with his struggles, start by actively listening and being empathetic. You can say things like, “Yeah, that sounds really tough,” or “I remember when I was younger and exploring my sexuality, and at times, it was really hard.” Do not give unsolicited advice.
If he does ask for your advice, keep it simple. Share that, right now, he shouldn’t focus on picking a label; he should focus on exploration and going into each new sexual experience with an open mind. In time, he’ll gain a better sense of who he’s attracted to. At that point, he may want to pick a label. But in the meantime, he should get out there and keep experimenting safely.
